yuck

I feel craptastic today. Yesterday evening I attempted to go to Aspen with a friend of mine for a long weekend. It was a huge, GIANT sized failure. As we approached 8400 Feet (Woodland Park, Co) I started feeling really awful: lightheaded, nauseous, tired-- overall crappy! So we stop in Woodland Park about 40 mins into our trip and get something to eat and feed the kiddos... this is where everything went bad!
First of all, if you ever find yourself hungry in Woodland Park Colorado avoid the Wendy's like the plague. I was no impressed. They "forgot" the cheese on my "cheeseburger". C'mon seriously. Anyway, I ordered a sprite with my "cheese-less-cheeseburger" hoping that would settle my tum-tum. Nope. I proceeded to vomit in their less than spot-less latrine. Talk about making an already unpleasant experience worse. Bleh- no thanks. So I tell my friend I really don't think it's smart for me to continue. I tell her to continue you to Aspen and I'll call my mommy for a ride. I've always known that my Mommy would come get me anyplace I needed, under any circumstances. She's cool like that.

After I got home I had a piece of bread (gotta get something in my stomach right?) and pound water (gotta re-hydrate, right?). Then I proceeded to fall asleep at 830 pm. I slept for about 11 hours and got up a lil after 7 this AM. I'm still not 100% maybe about 75-80%.
I wish my hubby was here. I'm the worlds-worst sick person. I just want someone to pat my forehead with a cold damp towel and bring me Gatorade with a straw (you know so I don't have to actually sit up to drink it). Oh, 800 mg of Motrin... because that fixes everything... right? No? Well I guess it couldn't hurt. May help with the headache (woo hoo found a justification for Vitamin M).

Somethin' somethin'

I have a few somethin's to share with you all. First: Since arriving in the States I've lost 16 pounds!! Woot woot. Which is definitely a good thing. I was getting uncomfortable. I don't get how people can say they didn't know they were gaining weight. Well, good lord clothes don't fit and I felt like a big tub-o-goo, sluggish you know?? I was eating larger portions than I girl should have and really the stress of the move caused a lot of it (along with my larger-than-neccesary-portions). But I'm back on the ridiculously low-carb bandwagon and it's working well for me.

Second: Please for the love of God and all that is good in the world don't ever give your money to Zales!  Here's why: it all began June of 2007 when Kevin and I purchased my Bridal set.

I loved it. It was everything I could have ever wanted. Allow me to clarify, I still LOVE my set. However, since June 2007 I've had many, many problems. When I initially got my engagement ring I was just so over the moon, I was engaged and just didn't pay that much attention. The next thing I know I'm admiring my new ring and see a black speck inside the center stone. COAL! Yes, coal! I took it back and swapped it out for the same exact one. Yes I know all stones have "natural imperfections" well I was not prepared to spend what I spent at the time (which is not the price on the website currently) on a ring with "beeping" coal! So they swap it and I press on with life. About a year later one of the side stones that hug the center stone pops out. Had that replaced. Then last December as soon as we got to Germany (go figure) I lost another one of those side stones. When I returned to Colorado, first thing I did was drop that off and have that fixed. 

Oh I should also mention I purchased this Tungsten ring for my husband. 

Tungsten, you know one of the strongest metals on the earth, yeah well the gold incased in the tungsten busted twice. Yes, NOT once but TWICE! So we traded that in for a standard white gold band with some diamonds. 

Now you're caught up. Well today I stopped into Kay Jewelers to have my rings cleaned while my mom picked up something. So, my sister, mom and I figured why not get our rings all shined up! So we did. Remember I just got my ring back about 3 or 4 weeks ago from having a stone replaced. Kay inspected the ring and found that a stone on the band was crushed. Oh yes, crushed. I only wear my ring when I leave the house which isn't much these days since I'm on this jacked up sleeping schedule. So I didn't do it. Zales sent it back to me busted!! 

The icing on the cake: Kay appraised my ring and said they could only offer me $750 for it! 

I was completely devastated. My wedding set, my ring that I LOVE is a lemon!

PS: I miss my husband.

Living Situation..

When we first got our orders to Baumholder I knew that it was all apartment style living and that E6 and below HAD to (unless we had a valid reason for requesting an exception to policy) live on post. So we knew we'd been reverting back to an apartment. Which is a downgrade for us. We gave up a lot in our journey to Germany: our dog, about 500 square feet of living space, a car and other things. We took our lumps and carried on. The past 6 months have had their ups and downs but we're finally settled in here:

Smith Housing Area, Baumholder, GE

Not the best picture but you get the idea. The architecture (and I use that word loosely) reminds me of the projects, minus graffiti. They're just stale looking and all the same. On the upside the unit accommodates our furniture nicely (with the exception of our dining room table, anyone want to buy it?!) and the Master Bedroom is actually bigger than our last one.
But lets get real, the major issue with apartment style living is the other people. Us human folk need interaction from others... we crave it. While this is true I'm not always such a fan of people. There are 4 stories to each building. I live on the 3rd floor of the first stairwell. The only problem (outside of something rotting in the stairwell on the 1st floor) we have is with the people above us. They have a small child (not a problem, in and of itself) who doesn't appear to have any regular bedtime and likes very much to run and jump and scream (and be screamed at) when he or she is awake. Kids will be kids, I understand- truly I do and I know none of us chose this apartment-style living arrangement but since we're all in it I think we should go the extra mile as to not cause the people above, below, and beside us any undue discomfort. Seriously, I'm just looking for a little consideration: Don't blare your music so that I can not only hear the thud-thud of the base but can also clearly make out the words (I don't care if you're into country, rap, r&b or currently really loving Justin Bieber), Don't allow your small child to cause a huge ruckus at 1030 at night during the week (we're married to soldiers for goodness sake- they're up EARLY).
Ok, so I'm the first to admit, I'm no one's mother so I have no idea first hand the stress that comes with being with a child 24-7; dealing with all their wants and needs has to be daunting and extremely stressful. But here's what I do know. If and when I have my babies and they are pushing their Terrible Two's and I'm forced into an apartment style living situation I'm going to do my damnedest not to allow my child to put my business out in the street. Here's what I mean: when your kid throws an un-Godly fit for 20 mins+, daily that reflects on what's going on in the household, especially when the mother screams "SHUT UP!" about 5 minutes into the thing which only prompts Junior to scream louder. (parenting at it's finest)

It's just annoying. Especially (which I think I've said that word like 18 times in this post) when the hubs is coming off CQ. Things may get ugly today... eeeek. Hopefully Junior (upstairs) catches on soon. I know that we try to be considerate of the people around us. When we're watching a movie with the surround sound on we constantly adjust the sound, when there's shooting or explosions and a lot of action we turn it down a few notches, when there's more dialogue we turn it up so we actually have a clue as to what's going on. We TRY, I wish others would too!

Bad News

Being so far away from home definitely has it good moments and it's BAD! We're the kind of family that is  (sometimes overly) involved in each other lives. We gossip about each other (in the best way possible, i mean we're only trying to find out if everything is ok or if so-and-so really did that to her!), but we also love each other. when I was out of work for almost 2 years I built very strong relationships with my sister and her kiddos. When my brother-in-law was deployed I was her surrogate husband during her pregnancy with Logan and was there for everything. I loved being able to be there for the ultrasounds and for the scary bits and last minute ER runs. I like to think of my self as that go-to person. I loved it. I really like to help my family out when they need it the most. With that being said our baby (yes, he isn't just 'theirs' he's Ours- as a collective) Logan has been in the hospital for 4 days now.

Isn't he the cutest? (little boobies and all) We like our babies chubby (no offense to the skinny ones ou there). My sister emailed me this picture two days ago. I cried. I can't believe under his little tear-drop eyes is a nasal cannula! 

Logan has been diagnosed with RSV (so far they are waiting for the doctor to review the chest x-ray to see what else is going on). He was admitted because his oxygen levels were in the 80's (should be 100). We're worried about possible Asthma or pneumonia at this point. (fun fact: I was in and out of the hospital as an infant with asthma related complications.. was not a fun time to be or my mother- only difference is, I don't remember it. Thanks mom!) 

Many prayers and thoughts are needed!! 

Goodbye v. See ya' round

So we're leaving right? I mentioned the other day that this stage of our PCS is rather pre-deployment-esque.  Now, before anyone goes and gets their panties all in a twist, I know that no one is going off to part-unknown filled with danger. However, there are major "Good-byes" in my future. So what I'm referring to with the pre-deployment reference is that, I know it's coming, I know it's not going to be fun but for goodness sakes I just want to get it over with already. It's time. Sometimes it's best to just tear the band aid off you know?
With all of that said I am spending ever minute I have with my nephews and my friends. I am going to miss so much with everyone I know (LB's prego once again and I'll miss baby showers and births and shopping sprees and name discussions. Nathan starts basketball after Christmas. Logan will be crawling and walking before we know it. Have I mentioned that I'll miss Christmas? haa). At the same time I am not the kind of gal to build these strong friendships, move away and just never speak to people again- it's not my style. IF I'm going to take the time to invest in you and in your life, and invite you into mine I expect and want you to stay in mine.
The sad part of this is that it seems some of my bestest of friends have already cut their losses and pretend I'm already gone and semi-unreachable It sucks when people you care so much for disappoint you. Yet, you cannot make anyone a priority who only makes you an option.
Some people don't really believe in "good-bye" its always this "I'll see ya later" nonsense. To me, it's what you say when you leave a friend's house, or hang up the phone. "Good-bye" is simply a fact of life. I think it hurts more depending on the circumstances but it's always there. On the other hand, I love the idea of this "I'll see ya later" business. I just kinda think it's a cop out... some kinda of coping mechanism. All I truly and honestly know is that whatever I say verbally, I'm going to quite possibly balling my eyes out (literally) but it'll definitely be happening on the inside.

When Your Husband...

Cooks dinner it makes things allllll better!

Kevin doesn't cook. Period. Well, not quite that "period." He does make macaroni and cheese. Since I started working again I've been pretty beat/exhausted/lazy/useless in the evenings. Somehow I'm also more hungry throughout the day. This using your brain business is no joke. Anywho, today I text Kevin about 4 p.m. and asked him if he would mind starting dinner because I was super hungry. To my surprise Kevin agreed. Once I (finally) made my way home he had the grill heated up, steak on, and rice-a-roni started! All I had to do was make the corn! 

Gotta say I don't think there are too many things that comin' home to that wouldn't fix. 

My friend and her husband are doing okay. Last I heard he's still in Kuwait awaiting transport to Germany. He broke two vertebra near the top of his back. He's up walking around and they don't think he'll need surgery. All in all he seems to have been pretty lucky. Thanks for all the support and prayers! 

In other Solider/Army related news, all the NCO's met with the new Sergeant Major today. Evidently he's a very family orientated guy and will be contacting the parents of all the soldiers. You know.... just to say Hi. While I think this is great.... I'm wondering why he isn't contacting the spouses of the married soldiers and parents of the unmarried guys? 

Any thoughts??

Oh.... last but not least (although I wish I didn't have to talk about this at all) the hubs will be gearing up for his fourth deployment this fall -- the gearing up part is in the fall. The Deployment part I'm not sure... but my best guess is in the Spring (2011). 

So for "I Want it Wednesday" I want another Wednesday... 

That doesn't include conversations about injured soldiers

or deploying husbands. 

What a difference a day makes

So Monday I was hopeful and confident that I would get a call/email, be contacted in so way informing me that I would receive an offer for the position I was interview for last week. Tuesday I was "broken up with in a email" as a friend put it. I call it "hate mail".... my sad but seemingly inevitable rejection. 

"What are you gonna do?" I thought.

Not out of desperation.... but just to say there isn't anything I can do about it. Remember the end of last month when I blogged about Rev Run's Words of Wisdom? Well something he says repeatedly that stuck with me, "Do your best and forget the rest." and also "Let go and let God." I'm not an overly religious person but the idea of what he's saying resonates with me especially under my current circumstances.... In my eyes these sayings are one in the same. Once you've done everything in your power you have to let go of the rest... it's out of your hands! 

I have to say it wasn't all overwhelming confidence though. I did wonder how I could have been so wrong. I thought I nailed it. I'm currently pursuing a BS in Management, I answered all the questions 'right', I had great questions prepared for the interviewerS, I was over-prepared for the interview, I smiled and shook hands, AND even sent my "Thank You" note!! How could I have been so confident about this interview and been so wrong? Whatever it is, it doesn't matter! I'm doing my best (so what if it takes all of my energy and motivation) to maintain a positive attitude and keep moving forward. 

In other news, my Best Friend is just a few weeks shy of her due date! I've spent some time recently picking up a few things for impending bundle of joy... I am excited for her (and me) to have her family grow! 

And yes, I know it's Wednesday and you're all desperate to know what I want... but I'm sorta just not in the mood today. Other than needing to get to the gym, I want for next Tuesday to arrive. "Why is that?" you ask. Well because Next Tuesday will be girls night (he-man-man-haters-club) at my house. NO BOYS ALLOWED! Next Tuesday also marks the DVD/BluRay release of:

Which obviously I WANT!

I Want it Wednesday...

I want....
someone to tell me why I can't manage to lose weight.
(along the same lines)
I want...
to be treated like weight loss matters when I go to the doctor.
(along the same lines)
I want...
everyone who is seen on base/post by any kind of medical professional to know that they don't give two shits about your weight loss issues and struggles; and you'll be treated like a sub-standard human being.


I want... 
tomorrow to be a better day.

Welcome

Welcome to Spring/Summer on the plains. 

Ugh..

Really it kind of sucks-- and is more or less miserable, with random splatterings of beautiful days mixed in.

I say "Spring/Summer" because, well, Spring doesn't really hang out too long around these parts. The two (spring and summer) get sort of distorted and jumbled together. It's rather annoying actually. 

One of the things I HATE most about living here is the WIND! It sucks in the Winter. You know when it snows it's too busy being windy for the snow to land gracefully on the ground- where it belongs. It sucks in the Spring because it makes an otherwise mild and/or warm day, COLD (because you know a hurricane force gust breeze is always cold- like wind is incapable of being another than cold). 

Moral of the story: Wind is annoying and SUCKS... ruins everything. 

ALSO... another joy of living on the plains is TORNADOES. Wooot woot. Once we really get into the swing of spring you can watch he clouds roll into anywhere from 1-3pm everyday over the mountains. To the average person this may sound breath-taking.... well, let me tell you "Mr-Average-Person" it scares the crap out of me. You see when you mix rain/cold front with WARM/HOT temps you often get this:

Yeah... NO FRIGGIN' THANK YOU! 

Maybe I'm completely off my rocker but the idea of some spiraling gateway to OZ (you know, the Wicked Witch of the West, flying Monkies, clacking red heels....) really doesn't do anything good for me. 

Not really into things coming from the sky with the sole purpose of DESTRUCTION.

Nope!

Not for me. 

Yeah... I'm totally siked for Spring time, then Summer to follow. Ugh huh...

Riiiight.

Mother-friggin-exhausted!!!!

I haven't been sleeping all that well. Friday night: 6.5 hrs. Saturday night: 7 hrs (from 11pm-6am) another 1.5 hrs (6am- 8:30 am). You might be thinking "That sounds like PLENTY of sleep." Nope. Not after only 6.5 hrs the previous night. I'm sorry but 6 hrs is not enough for me. I don't function properly unless I get AT LEAST 9 hrs. It sounds like a lot I know. We're all different. That's what works for me. Well, last night I only got 7 hrs and was up at 6am. Last time I was up that early was when Brody got his business all over the house. UGH! It's going to take some getting used to.

Moral of the story is I'm EXHAUSTED! How I Met Your Mother (down/done) on to House. Then BED!!!

PS: I'm still not connecting with my co-workers. OH well.

First Day; Vortex of Non-Sense (x2); Can't Sleep.

It's 1:30 AM. I can't sleep.

BAH!

~***~

Today was my first day at my new job! It was good- overall. The other ladies I'm working with in the Proposal's department are all very nice. Unfortunately, it doesn't appear that we have too terribly much in common. I haven't completely written them off but so far- nothing in common. Boo. The only other issue I'm having is this generaly feeling uneasy. I think it's because of where my cube is; the direction is faces; my back is not to a wall. It creeps me out. I don't like people coming up behind me.. under any circumstances. Also, I'm one of these people that if you don't address me- get my attention (ie. call my name) I am not going to pay attention to what is coming out of your mouth. So today I missed out on a few chuckles...

Maybe I'll ask for a new cube on Monday. My boss "H" (from here on shall be own as H) is so far pretty flexible and understanding. Which is great in a supervisor. I am looking forward to Monday and getting to know my co-workers better.

~***~

Ok, so I can't sleep and Kevin passed out at oh, 7:45. Seriously. He's been exhausted in the evenings lately. Anyway. He's been sleeping for HOURS and I'm (obviously) awake (at 1:36 am) still.... :(  So I took to shopping online for household things.

Kevin and I very intentionally bought a new home versus a fixer-upper. As fun as it may be to plan renovations, carrying them out is a bit different. We didn't want the hastle. Recently we've been sucked into the vortex of non-sense that is HGTV!. Urg! Even though our home is new and doesn't require any major work, I've found myself looking for things to up-grade or change. I know, it's stupid. Just this morning it occured to me that I can up-grade the bathrooms for fairly cheap. New faucets, framed mirrors, ect.. I'm excited about it.

Back to being up in the middle of the night: I was scanning through some light fixtures at Lowes.com (PS: Lowes offers 10% Military Discount-- but you HAVE to ask for it... even if you go in Uniform you still have to ASK for it!) I click to the next page, where I'm met with this:

To serve you better, we are currently performing maintenance on Lowes.com

Please check back with us soon.

Yea, Lowe's let me down. Here I was scrolling through 1000's of lights (flush mounts for the hallway, chandellier for over the dining table, lights for the bathrooms) and BAM... Lowe's goes to bed! If Lowe's can do it, so can I. I'll dig out the Tylenol PM.

 

I'll pay for this lack of sleep tomorrow. :(

Portland: Part 2

As previously reported, we made it out to Multnomah Falls. It was gorgeous! Just amazing to be near something so amazing. We could feel the mist on our faces; it was amazing and so beautiful!

The rest of the trip was great.

I was finally given the opportunity to meet more of Kevin's family, on his mother's side. There are quite a few of them. But, everyone was so nice! It was really something special to get to meet all of them. :)

*~~~*

In other, much more sad news my grandfather had a heart attack last Tuesday. It was the day Kevin and I left for Oregon. My mom kept me in the loop on his condition but really didn't let me know the severity; she didn't want to ruin my vacation. Well, he is sadly, still in the hospital. He's been on a respirator, and is now developing some pneumonia. All of this is after surgery to place a stint in his artery. Geeze, I hope I'm explaining all of this ok.
what's really kind of ironic/sad, is that he was in the hospital over my grandma's actual birthday.

:(

*~~~*

Today I have to prepare to leave (on another) vacation! I'm excited but also exhausted.

Being away from home, eating out, living out of a suitcase has a way of taking a lot out of you!

But, tomorrow will be fun; it's my first time in Vegas and mine and Kevin's first REAL vacation (not with family)! I'm excited, yet tired.

Now, I must get my day started-- more packing ahead! haHhaaHA

It's not always easy

1st: I was helping my sister look for her wedding ring (that my nephew had climbed up onto the counter to get; took outside and through into the air when he was finished playing with them) yesterday and burnt my arm pretty badly on her lawn mower... it's a story that's pretty long to type so I won't bore you with the details.

The point:

Yeah-- I was attempting to move the blades up on the lawn mower and bumped the exhaust.

YUCK. OUCH. That'll be pretty {sarcasm} for quite some time. It's already a darker-purpleish color and the blister is still intact which is good. The blister and the blister juice is the body's way of protecting itself. It's still ugly.

~~~~

Kevin has been home for 10 days now. Unlike some other welcome home stories I've heard/read and contrary to both mine and Kevin's expectations for this time period; it's been rough.

There are a number of factors to why things haven't been honeymoon-esque for the Hubs and myself:

• The habits I created while Kevin was deployed.
• Re-learning how to do things for two (vs. just lil' ol' me)
• Kevin learning remembering I'm not one of his soldiers.
• Kevin's attempt to quit smoking -- if you remember a few months back I blogged about how Kevin had quit smoking (which is what I was told, mmm-hmm). Well he wasn't successful. He didn't tell me this. Basically, he returned home last Wednesday and Thursday was his first day of not smoking in a while.
• Taking responsibility for being unemployed, thus our current financial situation.

Those are some of the reasons that Kevin and I have had a difficult time reintegrating over the course of the last week. Kevin has been extremely short-tempered; flying off the handle at the smallest, most inane things. These are things that Kevin has admitted and owned up to, fully. However, I am a strong believer that a marriage is about both parties. If something is wrong or isn't working it's on both people involved. It's up to the couple (together) to work it out; get through it together!

You all know the drill after they return to work, briefings, briefings and more briefings. Well he mentioned some of our/his difficulties with getting adjusted to Behavior Health. Kevin brought home some literature home about Soldier Combat Stress. This isn't quite PTSD but it's pretty much what the name implies.

I'm here to tell everyone if your redeployment/re-integration experience isn't picture-perfect, or the smoothest of transitions it's ok. It's not the end of the world. Kevin and I are working on it and we're already doing better. So don't let the love-birds get you down. ;)

~~~~

I'm off now The Santa Claus is on TBS this is one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE movies.

LOVE. IT.

Poor Puppy!

Hubby is home... that is going pretty well; a few bumps here and there but that's ok. That's what re-integration is all about! Gotta work through some of the nonsense in the beginning so that we get back to the good stuff! (:

We have mainly been spending time together (of course) and also with my fantastic MIL and her hubs! :) We've been having such a great time with them!!

Tonight we went to see Harry Potter... sadly we were both pretty exhausted and I'm not overly familiar with the series so I was kind of lost. Kevin fell a sleep for a few minutes, a few times! In all fairness he'd been up since 3 and it is a 2-and-half-hour movie! Well we come home from this movie absolutely beat; just ready for bed to a swollen pup!! ): the damn saddest face you'll ever see. He was in good spirits as with every other two times this had happened. It's a pain - really. But we love him so we do what needs to be done. This time Kevin (although I offered to go with him or in his place, since he's super tired) ran to the Safeway to pick up Benadryl; which we've been told to give him. As I type we're giving the pills some time to work and see what has to happen next! *fingers crossed*

Damn dogs get into everything huh?? :(

Hell of a day

Haven't heard from Kev. I'll take that as a good sign.

Couldn't get questions about "canceling/transferring/refunding" plane tickets to NJ for my Gramma's 75 Birthday celebration. So nothing was booked. Maybe I should start at the beginning?: The birthday party is on Saturday the 5th, Kevin and I would fly into NJ on Friday the 3rd and back to CO early Sunday AM. All of this is only possible IF they grant Kev's mileage pass is granted. They told him that he was free to go on Friday if they didn't have any briefings scheduled; which of course, they won't know until they get home. Last minute questions are usually pretty spendy! Which, is why I was looking into purchasing tickets now with the option (depending on the specifics) of "canceling/transferring/refunding" them if necessary.

I was/sorta-half-still-am planning a Welcome Home BBQ for next weekend. I chose the perfect little park, but it was already booked. So I attempted to search for others in the area that I liked, but evidently there is no list or map of parks in this county- anywhere on the internets!

Moral of {side note: 10 PM I hear TAPS :( playing on the AFB} today's story: I feel completely defeated! I got nothing accomplished, and I have a ton of crap to do before Kevin returns.

Because I was feeling so defeated and anxious I decided to go to the movies. Yes, I saw "The Time Travelers Wife." Sadly... I was NOT, at all impressed. I expect a beginning, middle and end out of my movies. This one, oddly enough had no ending... no sense of finality or final resolution to the core conflict. I'm still wondering what happens next. Open-endedness is not something I'm into in movies. So there I was just watching... and watching... and then suddenly I wasn't anymore. That's it. Swell way to end the day huh?

Tomorrow will be better. :)

Blister & Baby Drama!!!

So, THIS is our backyard, currently, after 3 hours of hoeing going on!!! You see the back 1/3 of the yard? I did a great job. But my back hurts, and now I have this huge blister on my thumb and poor Brody is confused. He doesn't know what to do with that portion of the yard. Oh, and in better news it just rained so now it's mud, swell. Oh well the joys of being a home owner right? I'll have to hit Lowes/Home Depot something of that nature for leveling sand. when it is all said and done Kevin and I are going to be putting down paving stones, here are some examples. But we're on a budget so it's one thing at a time. So far it's just an $8 hoe, blisters, and a few hours of back-breaking work. (Literally, my back is killing me!)

I suppose you have to understand how our backyard got to this point. When we moved in all of the houses in our subdevelopment had mulch- that's it. It's cheap and low maintenance which is why the builder threw it back there. It makes sense. However, the dog eating it... and draggin it in my house drove me absolutely crazy! And it made the o-so-pleasant-chore of picking up dog poop even easier, don't cha know! {sarcasm} So we 86'd the mulch and put down sod. This looked fantastic! But the fact that the short-sighted builder didn't put a water spicket in the backyard and only in the garage made watering very DIFFICULT!! We had to run the hose all the way through the house a few times a day! So I stopped and the sod died. And Vwaa~LA here we are at our current yard status! Also, why it needs to be rectified! Hence the Blister! =(

~~~~~

As you know my sister is expecting and her husband left for Afghanistan about a month and a half ago. Well yesterday afternoon Nathan fell accidentally, on her stomach and she was having some really bad cramping. We rushed to her IVF doctor's office for an ultrasound just to make sure everything was ok. We saw the heartbeat from the baby in the uterus. Then the RN (with other 20 years experience) started looking around just to make sure everything else was ok. She questioned my sister on my name, then asks if I can watch my nephew overnight because my sister needs to go to the hospital ASAP and would probably need emergency surgery. Say WHAT?! So the RN leaves the room to contact their on-call doc.. comes back about 10 minutes later with a note and tells us to go to the ER on post. We rush around, drop Nathan off at my mother's and head to the hospital. Honestly we all bitch-whine-and-complain about TriCare and the medical but last night my sis received EXCELLENT care! We spent a whopping 5 hours in the ER. Just about an entire hour was spent in the Radiology department getting an ultrasound... SEARCHING and searching some more for this tubal-pregnancy, that wasn't there! Thank goodness!

We had a follow-up walk-in appointment at Evans (the hospital on post) with OB this morning. Thankfully, we sat there for an hour waiting to be seen and the doctor again said that there was no indication of a tubal pregnancy. The pain she was experiencing was most than likely caused by a pulled muscle in her abdomen and a cyst. Thankfully, her baby is doing great!! Hopefully going forward she'll have a stress-free pregnancy and no more false alarms caused by her IVF doctor's office!

Strange, Sad turn of events...

Refer to previous post about my last two days with Miss Kaitlyn... I don't feel like doing much re-capping.

So here we are just a short 22 hours later and by some convoluted turn of events Kaitlyn is no longer my friend. =( Nothing like that to make you feel like shit huh? She told me that we are too different, that she has never had to work so hard at a friendship before and that our friendship isn't one that is built to last. Huh... again nothing like someone telling you that you don't matter enough to look passed your differences and some misunderstandings, right? Basically... I suck at life and am not worthy of friendship. Swell- it's lovely to be me. Sucks, because I still have the balloons and card that I bought for her birthday.

All that this really means for you is that there wont be any pictures from my last two days of concerts. =( I'm sorry.

Don't Judge Me

I love when people judge me. Guess what? I wasn't put on this planet for you to question and judge what I do or don't do to your standards. Especially when you haven't been where I am and you make no effort to support me. Nevermind calling to check on me or hear my side. It really chaps my ass when people pass judgement on me for any reason.

So here's the deal: We are 10 months and 10 days into a deployment. A deployment that has been anything less than customary... in terms of what a "standard" deployment usually is. I have eluded to some of the issues that Kevin and I have experienced throughout the course our time apart but I haven't spelled out the details because, just as I wasn't placed on this planet for others to judge, I also wasn't placed here to hurt my hubby. But thankfully I think that we have recently turned a corner and the remainder (approx 35-39 days) of the deployment will be much smoother sailing.

Our main issue has been my independence and the expectations I've had of what our deployment should have been. I am not a person who needs a lot of reassurance to know that things are ok. Kevin is not the same way as me in this aspect. In plain English: he's called me a lot. At times it has been out of hand. When Kevin left I wanted to hear from him all the time to know that he was ok. Once we got into the groove of what this deployment was going to be like things shifted. Kevin wasn't constantly out on missions or in highly dangerous regions. Because there weren't many missions being conducted there wasn't a lot of work for Kevin and his fellow mechanics to be doing... repairs weren't required as often as you would think when vehicles weren't being used for constant missions. Which created a lot of free time for my husband. The phone calls came more and more often. At first this didn't bother me. Then Kevin got internet in his "room" so we were constantly chatting online and over webcam. Out of my own sense of obligation and support for Kevin I felt like I had to sit there all day infront of the cam and provide him the reassurance that he required. This became a chore. This is no way to live. Yes, our husband's leave and unfortunately they aren't just gone for a long weekend or a cozy vacation somewhere both warm and comfortable. No- conversely they are in the scorching heat, on cots, carrying more weight on their backs (figuratively and literally) than I could personally handle, without any creature comforts of home and all the while yearning for the some ounce of normalcy from home. While on the home front, life MUST go on. That doesn't happen when you're sitting on the couch all day, constantly being questioned about "where'd you go"... well you see what had happened was.. "I went to pee" "I had to let the dog out" "I needed a drink". Let me just say before you assume that my husband is some controlling bastard he was purely curious. Well all of this snowballed into serious frustration, resentment and attitude on my part. Also and Kevin has admitted that his calls and time spent on the internet had gotten a little over the top. After arguments and beating myself up over (actually) NOT wanting my husband to call me so much... I finally spit it out "I need you to back off. No one is good to anyone else, unless they are taking care of themselves first and I haven't been able to do that.. I need you to not call me so often anymore." YES- I did actually say this out loud to my husband. Because guess what? He's not the only one going through and emotionally dealing with a deployment right now. It directly effects the way I lead my day to day life... and leading this life is exponentially more difficult to get through when answering the phone is no longer exciting, but now a hassle and a chore. Honestly, it got to the point where I felt I couldn't leave the house so that I could be available for his (constant) calls.

So let me add this up for everyone: Kevin=slightly needy(I love you babe) and calling constantly! Sam=extremely independent; not needy; with expectations of rarely hearing from my husband and thus completely blindsided by all of the opportunity. KEVIN+SAM=BAD BUSINESS under these circumstances. As I said, though, we have turned a corner and are facing only better days.

I still do not appreciate those who have not been in my shoes and who cannot fathom what I've been through judging my choice to ask that my husband not call me as much as he had; to dial it back from "needy little bitch" (loving term between the two of us, ha haaha) to something more manageable which would still allow for me to maintain some sense of normalcy. To those who currently pass judgement: You don't know me. You don't have the faintest clue what I've been through. So I'd prefer you shut your mouth, at least until you've been where I am or have at the very least heard me out and attempted to understand. Shame on you, for denying me any say in what works for my marriage under unimaginable circumstances. May I also add, bite me. (:

~~~~~

Please check out Deployment Woes. I just found this Marine wife's blog and absolutely love it. She actually inspired me to write this post and showed me that my feelings aren't wrong and while we may be on slightly different pages and in different stages of our own deployments portions of this post were RIGHT ON. I felt like she was writing on my behalf instead of her own experiences. Odd. All the same, please go check her out.

42 Days Left...

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY PEOPLE....

Who's attending or hosting BBQ's?? Anyone baking Apple Pie? That's supposed to be a great American past time, right? Well, American Pie said so, so that has to make it true right?

Today I am irritated! GRrr...
1) I haven't slept for shit the last week!!! WHY O WHY??? I think it's time to start bonding with my BFF, Tylenol PM again! I can't take this crap no more! I'm tired as hell but can't seem to fall into that blissful and favorite place of unconsciousness! =( I miss it... awww... NEXT

2) I was trying to talk to Kevin this morning but it was like a sign from God... When he called from the MWR the connection sucked... you know how that goes when you catch every other syllable. BOO, then I get my not-ready-to-be-awake self up, and out of bed downstairs to webchat with him and what happens?? My internet kept cutting out! Qwest is pissing me off! Booo...

3) I am teetering on this lil' teensy tiny line between going to the gym (because I feel like a big fatty-boom-ba-latty today), thanks to the bender I had with Kaitlynn last night!! But on the other hand I can't seem to keep my eyes open. Seriously throughout the course of writing this blog I think I have started and stopped and started again (bc my eyes have just closed themselves) like 6 times!

So basically the lack of sleep is making me ridiculously bitchy... creating an extremely short fuse! I think that decides it then- BACK TO BED! But.... But... I sorta wanna enjoy the beautiful weather. Booo, this sucks.

niNi.

I miss you...

So after my 2 hour nap late this afternoon, I journeyed down to Kaitlynn's (as if, it were soooo far; all of 15 minutes) for a movie, greasy popcorn, "Party in a box" and the amazing and fantastic combo of Hagen Daaz (hmm, sp?) Coffee ice cream and Heath bar! yummm... We couldn't find any good movies on "On Demand" or Pay-Per view so we settled on "Serendipity". This movie is (of course) super cute, classic chick-flick. Those of you who are not familiar with the "Party in a box", feast your eyes on this lil' beauty:

(I apologize for the crappy picture quality, but I really was not going to spend too much time searching for a better picture. You get the idea.)

I am fairly certain this is the CHEAPEST way to put on a buzz people! Invest it's good times. But please... Please under NO circumstances tell my Granny. She's be highly offended that I was bothering to drink "wine" from a "box"-- of all things. {insert disgusted look, here} I love my granny but hell, I just can't hang with her Chianti. Oiy.. join the new school Granny... Shiraz. Zinfandel. Blushes in general are just easier to drink... but sadly not as hearty as a good Pinot Noir. I digress....

I must force myself to focus on the topic at hand. The title of this blog:
Dear Husband,

God, I miss you. Tonight I miss you so much my heart aches.

Really, people I intended on writing some thing that would tug at the heart strings at the most cynical of all of us... but really that's all I got. I suppose, the only other thing I could honestly add to my "heart aching" is that I am sorry. I'm sorry that for the past year it's been easier (for me) to concentrate on what you were doing wrong than to admit how much I missed you. I am sorry that it's been easier to demand space and explain why that was better for me than to embrace the blessing you gave me every night and every morning; you allowed me to sleep soundly and begin my days without fear. Without fear that while I was muddling through the mundane bullshit of my days you survived another night in the desert, this was the gift in the phone call that began (just about) every day of (almost) the last year. You allowed me to sleep peacefully being confident that you had, yet again, completed another horribly, unimaginable day in the summer heat of the Middle East. Thank you. These were gifts. I took them for granted and that is not fair. You and I have talked before about how easy it is for people (anyone, and all of us) to call home (or a friend) and bitch about the negative in our lives, but conversely, we hardly call people to say "Hey, I survived the day. While uneventful and fairly boring it wasn't bad. I have nothing to complain about." Somehow this part of my excuse in demanding space. Demanding "emotional distance." Distance makes the heart grow fonder. I'm not retracting my earlier statement that for me the emotional distance is what forces a heart to grow fonder. For me that is true. But under these just unimaginable, agonizing, heartbreaking circumstances I am thankful for all the phone calls. I am thankful for the peaceful nights' rest and the assured ways I've begun my days and your phone calls which provided both.

I miss you.