Sad

Somethings have been making me very sad for about a week. I had this very good friend during middle and high school. Her name was Erin. She was my best friend. In high school we drifted slightly we both extended our group of friends-- separately. Anyway the summer after graduation I made one nasty, and admittedly unnecessary comment to her about her new set of friends. I don't remember specifically what I said but it was ugly of me. I called her multiple times to apologize and smooth things over. However, she literally never spoke to me again. I even called her while my parents were splitting up. I left her a message and told her about my parents and said I really would like to catch up with her. Nothing. No response. (me=sad). I requested her on Facebook about a year ago, on a whim. She accepted but clearly had no interest in rekindling our friendship. She didn't comment on my status when I moved to Germany, she didn't care enough to say anything when Kevin deployed.

Well, here's why I'm sad. She got married last Friday. I just keep thinking that I don't get why if we were such good friends she would write me off FOR-EV-VER because I said one nasty thing. I have good friends and sometimes I say not nice things to them and vice versa but you call them on it and move on- turn the page you know? I just felt like I should have been there, at her wedding.
 *~~~*
Another situation making me sad: my other friend Kaitlyn got some very bad news at her ultrasound last week. She'll have twin girls Dec/January. However, tragically one of the babies has a genetic syndrome which is fatal. Prayers are very much appreciated.

Don't forget to count your blessings!!

What a Week!

Monday: Nathan started school and I went with my sister to take some pictures of his first day and witness this little boy growing up.

Tuesday: The drama started. This was Nathan's first time riding the bus. Nathan has been wanting to ride the bus for years. He's see the other kids getting off the bus in the afternoons and ask everyone why he couldn't ride the bus and we'd tell him "Because you don't go to school yet. When you get a little bit older you can ride the bus." Anyway, my sis put Nathan on "The Green Frog" bus in the AM. However, he was not put on "The Green Frog" bus in the afternoon. Nathan was lost for a few. Thankfully, this brave little 4 year old boy knows his mommy's phone number and luckily there was a nice mommy at the bus stop who saw this scared boy and offered to help. My sister got a phone call from this nice lady saying that her son Nathan was with her in a completely different part of the neighborhood. Some foul up happened at the school and Nathan was put on the purple flower or some other bus route.

Wednesday: I finally went to Pinkberry which opened in Colorado Springs months ago. I'm kind of obsessed with the Pomegranate Pinkberry. mmm Cue mouth watering. Also visited Old Navy and DSW where I picked up some new shoes for our R&R trip to Vegas!
I tried a new recipe. Something I adapted from a friend. I pan fried some Pork chops with olive oil and some S&P. When they were all cooked up and happy I threw in a chopped red bell pepper and an onion and a large can of Diced Tomatoes, some more S&P and about half a tspn of crushed red pepper flakes. I put all of this into a baking dish and threw it in the oven at 375 for about 15 mins just to get all the flavors happy. I made some whole wheat rotini pasta on the side and proceeded to stuff my face.

Thursday: I visited my friend and forced her to watch PS I Love You, because she hadn't seen it yet- weird, right?

Friday: I got busy with a friend. We had some lunch and popped into JC Penney then saw The Change Up-- so funny. It was vulgar but hilarious. It's always nice to giggle. :) I tried another new recipe: I started with a marinade two tablespoons Dijon mustard, rosemary, parsley, S&P, olive oil and a lil water. Threw in some Chicken Thighs and let them marinade all day. I pan fried them with some olive oil and had some green beans on the side. YUMMM!!

It's officially been Saturday for 5 hours and 44 minutes 6 hours and 5 mins. For some reason I went to sleep about 1030ish and have been up since about 230. Saturday is off to a stellar start. This Am (in about an hour) I'll be heading over to Fort Carson for the Walk for the Fallen. This is the 3rd year in a row I've participated. It's always heartbreaking to be there. It's humbling. The last two times my husband had just returned home from deployment (the first time) and back from extended field rotations last year, so I was feeling especially grateful to have him by my side. This year he's on the other side of the world. I'll miss him. I'll be walking with friends and kiddos for a great cause.

How was your week?

5 Reasons...

I wish I were in Germany:

1: R&R someplace exotic like Greece or Crete or the gorgeous shores of France or Italy. Can anyone else say Mediterranean Cruise?!

2: It's easier, and much more plausible to secure a job in a place that you actually live- I could have sworn I heard or read that someplace before.

3: Build my friendships. I met some weirdos in a few months in Germany. But I also met some pretty awesome ladies I can't wait to get back to.

4: Random trips: So far I missed trips to Edelweiss Lodge and Resort, MWR trips to Paris, scheduled trips to The Netherlands. One Easter Egg Festival and One Tulip Festival. And most tragically The Sound of Music tour. :(

5: I will have lost 8 months out of our allotted 36 in Europe (down to 28). Just gone- BAM. In fairness so did my husband. We'll make up for it right??

Color me sad. I'll be using this as motivation to thoroughly enjoy all the remaining months we're given in Germany!

Memorial Day

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I don't mean to be pompous, sincerely I don't. However, people all over today seem to have forgotten that Memorial Day isn't about some sale on bedding or furniture or even their service member. No today is about the fallen.

{source}

Today isn't about the fella holding/presenting this flag. It's about the fella (or female) who earned it. Today isn't about my husband and his service. We have another day in a completely different month for the veteran. Today isn't a day for "Happy Memorial Day". Today is about honoring the sacrifice of those who have given their lives for our country.

A whole lada nada...

Once upon a time I used to blog quiet a bit. These days I'm lucky if I post once a week... you're missing me aren't you?

Sadly, I haven't had anything nice to say. I'm stressed with this crap-tastic job I find myself in and the future. I'm stressed from being in Colorado, sans husband. I generally feel detached from my life. I feel detached from my role as a spouse, the Army, and our plans for the future. Please do not misunderstand, I'm not announcing a divorce... I'm not admitting to doing bad things in the absence of my husband... What my point is, is that I don't find being away from my home and my things and obligations to be a positive thing at this specific moment. Long story, short: Running home during deployment (although, never my goal but where I wound up) is not a good thing. I find it to be counter-productive. Being here and this feeling of detachment is creating emotional distance between Kevin and I. I couldn't quite put my finger on the problem the last few weeks but there it is.

I feel like it's my fault. So then I beat myself up over it... you know, because that's so productive. Well, I'm working on it. Trying to turn a corner.

I was hoping that some alone time on R&R would help... doesn't look like there'll be a whole lot of that. :( boo. We'll work something out though. I'm sure of it.

What do you do when you start to feel the distance of a deployment??

I wanna go!!

Today I made the mistake of checking out the USO website listing their tours for the next coming months. It makes me really sad that Kevin and I are both losing this time (almost a full year) of Germany and travel opportunities. I'm thinking of all the places on my "list." All the places I want to see before we get a new assignment (Dec 2013).

Paris
London
Ireland
Italy

These are the places I realllllly have to see. I mean, I'm sure Amsterdam (for example) has lots of awesome things to offer I just wouldn't be devastated if I don't get there.

What trips have you taken throughout Europe that'd you'd recommend? What places would be on your "list"?

The Realness

I miss my husband. I miss him more when I have an itch, I can't scratch (on my back- you pervs) at 11:00 PM. I've had the opportunity to speak with him quite a bit when I'm sitting around really wanting his opinion on something I haven't had to wait too terribly long to get it, so I can't really complain on that front. I do just miss his company, in the car, in the kitchen, at the dinner table, in bed to snuggle with... I have to say, we do the whole pre-deployment-fighting-wonderfulness. The ownership for that belongs to both of us. It's not all him but it's not all me either. We come together in the end, we do eventually see the bigger picture! My point being that while we do love each other we fully understand the other's faults and shortcomings and today I'm missing him.

(and I missed him ALOT last night when I couldn't reach that spot on my back!)

Bad News Bears

March 2nd has turned into one hell of a news day!

Two US service members were killed at the Frankfurt Airport. So many things swirling around. I currently have their families in my thoughts, but I can't help but wonder what effect, if any this'll have my own husband's impending departure to the middle east....?

Today the US Supreme Court ruled in favor of the Westboro Baptists'; upholding the ruling of appeals court that it violated their Constitutional (First Amendment) Rights to freedom of speech to prohibit their anti-homosexual (asinine) protests outside of funerals of US service members killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. Read more here.

Personally, I have 2 issues (I know the mind rails, that I could only have 2 issues but for sake of time I've limited myself to 2):
First I should say the rationale behind these protests, including such signs:

{source}

is based upon the fact that God is punishing America for our support of the Homosexual lifestyle.
My issues:
1: If God hates the US (per your signs), and the soldier.... and we're all so immoral for allowing, supporting and otherwise furthering the homosexual lifestyle why don't you leave? Simple logic would show you're outnumbered. We're going to hell anyway. Why wouldn't you want to live your life surrounded by others just like you?
Exercise your Constitutionally protected right to to leave.

2: I'm confused why our freedom to free speech can be limited in movie theaters and airplanes but not under these circumstances. I'm wondering how many more times our military will be failed in these awful ways. I remember back to OIF 1 and the fact that I knew soldiers and Marines deployed without vests and how there wasn't enough water to drink and thinking if we were going to invade Iraq to avenge 9-11, secure weapons of mass destruction, topple Sadam's evil regime (I forget what the other reasons were...) shouldn't the men and women we send into do the job be properly supplied with bare essentials (water, body armor)? Now this?
We can tell people they can't yell "FIRE!" in a theater or "BOMB!" on an airplane, effectively limiting my right to free speech (not that I disagree with this premise) yet there isn't some loop hole or legalese to justify these nut cases not be allowed to protest at funerals!?

In more personal news, today marks the 1 year anniversary of my Grandfather's death. I remember this poem and I remember it helping me to feel better then. Today I thought of my Grampa smoking his cigars and shaking away as he prepared his Martini at the end of our family table and I smiled and was happy because I realized I'd always remember him this way.

Bad News

Being so far away from home definitely has it good moments and it's BAD! We're the kind of family that is  (sometimes overly) involved in each other lives. We gossip about each other (in the best way possible, i mean we're only trying to find out if everything is ok or if so-and-so really did that to her!), but we also love each other. when I was out of work for almost 2 years I built very strong relationships with my sister and her kiddos. When my brother-in-law was deployed I was her surrogate husband during her pregnancy with Logan and was there for everything. I loved being able to be there for the ultrasounds and for the scary bits and last minute ER runs. I like to think of my self as that go-to person. I loved it. I really like to help my family out when they need it the most. With that being said our baby (yes, he isn't just 'theirs' he's Ours- as a collective) Logan has been in the hospital for 4 days now.

Isn't he the cutest? (little boobies and all) We like our babies chubby (no offense to the skinny ones ou there). My sister emailed me this picture two days ago. I cried. I can't believe under his little tear-drop eyes is a nasal cannula! 

Logan has been diagnosed with RSV (so far they are waiting for the doctor to review the chest x-ray to see what else is going on). He was admitted because his oxygen levels were in the 80's (should be 100). We're worried about possible Asthma or pneumonia at this point. (fun fact: I was in and out of the hospital as an infant with asthma related complications.. was not a fun time to be or my mother- only difference is, I don't remember it. Thanks mom!) 

Many prayers and thoughts are needed!! 

The Guilt and the Moving On

The Good-byes have started. Yesterday my dear, dear friends, Lauren and Erin hosted my "Bon Voyage" party. They're so great and I'm so blessed to have met them and to still call them great friends. They put together a very creative menu (and shin dig all around): Black Forest Ham, Kaiser Rolls, Strudel, Muenster cheese, Brats and German Chocolate Cake! Everything was delicious!

I thought this was such a great idea:

Address Book- For all attendees to write in so that I can keep in touch!

I was so excited to see everyone who showed up. I had some really good friends who said they were going to come but either blew me off or backed out at the last minute. It sucks when otherwise good friends disappoint you. I suppose it's just a fact of life.

The other part of all this leaving is that I'm seeing tears in other people's eyes, and I don't like it. I feel like I am the cause (source) of these people's sadness and I hate it! I've mentioned this every same thing to a few friends last night and they told me it's just because they love you so much! I know, it is and as I said in the beginning I'm grateful to have such great friends in my world who do care about me so much. But I like to think of my leaving as something I have to do for me and my future (and family), but thankfully (again) I have built such great relationships and have some really awesome people in my life that I will see them again. Right? I know sometimes people just say things like that and it doesn't happen (especially with us mil-folks) but I am not a person who will invest in other people that I don't care to ever see again. It's just not my style.

The guilt is just something I never saw coming. I knew it wouldn't be easy-breezy to leave, but I didn't expect guilt for goodness sake!

Leaving

(source)

What a great picture right?
For the folks who don't know, I'm from the Fort Carson area. All of my immediate family is here. My sister and her family (including my nephews), my mom and my dad. For the last few years I've even had one of my three (total) aunts here with her family. I am a very family oriented person. So figuring out just about an hour ago that I'd only have 8 more days with my family before we leave the US for Germany in 17 days, was awful. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Everyone has a short work week with Thanksgiving being this Thursday, but I just don't feel like it's enough time. You know?

My husband knows that I've never really lived without my family before, which is why he told me the other day that he thinks after we get to Germany that I'll freak out; nervous breakdown style. Comforting, right? I don't think it's going to be all that, but I also don't expect to go, never look back, never miss them, never cry and never wish I were home. All the same, today when I was at Wal-Mart remembering that we leave for Portland (to spend some time with my husband's family) on the 30th and Thanksgiving is only a few days away, and only a few days prior to the 30th (have I mentioned that after we leave for Portland I'll only have about 6 hours with my family prior to leaving Colorado, for good?) was not fun- at all.

Is there anyway to make the transition easier? Any tips or tricks?

Goodbye v. See ya' round

So we're leaving right? I mentioned the other day that this stage of our PCS is rather pre-deployment-esque.  Now, before anyone goes and gets their panties all in a twist, I know that no one is going off to part-unknown filled with danger. However, there are major "Good-byes" in my future. So what I'm referring to with the pre-deployment reference is that, I know it's coming, I know it's not going to be fun but for goodness sakes I just want to get it over with already. It's time. Sometimes it's best to just tear the band aid off you know?
With all of that said I am spending ever minute I have with my nephews and my friends. I am going to miss so much with everyone I know (LB's prego once again and I'll miss baby showers and births and shopping sprees and name discussions. Nathan starts basketball after Christmas. Logan will be crawling and walking before we know it. Have I mentioned that I'll miss Christmas? haa). At the same time I am not the kind of gal to build these strong friendships, move away and just never speak to people again- it's not my style. IF I'm going to take the time to invest in you and in your life, and invite you into mine I expect and want you to stay in mine.
The sad part of this is that it seems some of my bestest of friends have already cut their losses and pretend I'm already gone and semi-unreachable It sucks when people you care so much for disappoint you. Yet, you cannot make anyone a priority who only makes you an option.
Some people don't really believe in "good-bye" its always this "I'll see ya later" nonsense. To me, it's what you say when you leave a friend's house, or hang up the phone. "Good-bye" is simply a fact of life. I think it hurts more depending on the circumstances but it's always there. On the other hand, I love the idea of this "I'll see ya later" business. I just kinda think it's a cop out... some kinda of coping mechanism. All I truly and honestly know is that whatever I say verbally, I'm going to quite possibly balling my eyes out (literally) but it'll definitely be happening on the inside.

Marathon super sad, busy Weekend.

It all began on Thursday morning, 3AM. We're up drowning our Brody in Benadryl, getting ready for the day and completing our final stages of packing, toiletries and such. We proceeded to the airport by 415, with two bags, Brody and his kennel in tow. After a mere 45 mins we were finally checked in on our flight and then we completed our journey through security and to our gate. I should preface the next bit by saying I'm not a fan of United Airlines right now. For those of you who have traveled with a pet know you have to provide a Health Certificate from your Vet. Well my Vet included a memo about temperatures and basically United either didn't care or didn't inform their employees on the tarmac of the memo's specifications. Our poor pup sat on the tarmac for 45 mins in 18 degree weather. The memo stated that the dog should not be subject to temperatures under 30 degrees for  more than 15 mins.... yea, you do the math... I was not and still aren't overly thrilled with United and that situation.

We made it to my in-laws in San Diego and Brody began exploring his new home. He loves it there, the sun, the pool, his tennis balls. Thursday night we accompanied my in-laws to an award dinner for my father-in-law.  It was a great time, and I did go with the braid in my hair... it looked really good but I don't have any pictures. Boo! It wasn't all shoomzing and cocktails though, there were some laughing and really funny moments. My husband was the talk of the town though... so many people came up to him, thanked him for his service and started telling Kevin their own war stories. I was so proud of him. I also discovered that I actually really like seared Halibut. I'm not a fish fan.... never have been, but I'm open to trying things and I was happily surprised that I liked it. The party was great, Kevin and I were so happy to be there to share in Neal's special moment.

Other than the party we hung out around the house with the pup and family. I also got to catch up with my good friend Noel, I try to see her every time I go to San Diego. I love her!!! It was so nice to have dinner and catch up with her.

Today was rough. We had to say goodbye and leave Brody. It was really sad and there were a few tears but at the end of the day we did what we think is best for Brody. Sometimes doing what's best isn't easy or necessarily what you want. Today being a grown up was sad and not at all fun.

Saddened

I'm sad dear readers!

Remember that exciting day when I announced that Kevin and I were PCSing to Germany? I was sooooo excited to learn that my sister and her family would be joining us there also! I know that people do it all the time without their sisters and nephews, but I was just so excited to experience this with them. Sadly, we found out that Levi (my bro-in-law) 's orders were canceled! We aren't exactly sure why, but regardless he isn't going.

I know that it will be exciting for Kevin and I to be just the two of us; have a fresh start; concentrate on our own little family. This will be a really great step for us. I'm just really super sad people! Kevin and I tried for these orders, we wanted them. We also never in our wildest dreams thought that my sister's family would be there at the same time, at the same post. So, in the beginning I knew that it would be hard on me to be that far away from my family, from my nephews. Not for nothing,  I didn't have to think about going to Europe without family, missing birthdays and holidays. But now I'm smacked in the face with that reality.

It sucks.

Thoughts and Prayers Please

A friend of mine received bad news last night. Her husband currently deployed to Iraq fell out of a tower. He is on his way to Lundstuhl and then back (thank God) on US soil. She received word that his back is broken. I don't have any other details.

This is obviously a very serious injury and I'm asking for prayers and thoughts to go out to the Cox family.

Thanks.

In Memorial

Today I have all of our men in women in the military in my thoughts. 

Today I am grateful and humbled by their service. 

Forgive me but I'd like to discuss a few I am associated with. 

on August 21st, 2009 Sgt. Matthew Ingram died in Chapa Dara, Afghanistan, of wounds sustained when an improvised explosive device detonated near his vehicle and his unit came under small fire from enemy forces.

I was at Matt's wedding; he married a good friend of mine, Holly in the summer of 2006. 

I have lost touch with Holly. Today I found her on Facebook, and hope to reconnect. 

The local news did a story on Matt and interview Holly last August, which is how I learned of his death. 

My heart goes out to Holly and her (now, year old) daughter Chloe.

<source>

I have to also mention Mrs. Rachel Porto today. Visit her blog, here if you haven't already.

Johnny is in my thoughts today. As are you and Ariana. 

John William Finn

Medal of Honor earned by manning a machine gun from an exposed position throughout the attack, despite being repeatedly wounded. Through all of that he continued to serve in the Navy until the time of his retirement.

John Finn passed away at 100 years of age on 27 May 2010. 

He was the last Pearl Harbor Survivor. 

Take some time today to remember and appreciate the military who have given their lives for the freedoms we hold so dear. 

"Greater love hath no one than this, that he lay his life down for his friends." John 15:13

What a difference a day makes

So Monday I was hopeful and confident that I would get a call/email, be contacted in so way informing me that I would receive an offer for the position I was interview for last week. Tuesday I was "broken up with in a email" as a friend put it. I call it "hate mail".... my sad but seemingly inevitable rejection. 

"What are you gonna do?" I thought.

Not out of desperation.... but just to say there isn't anything I can do about it. Remember the end of last month when I blogged about Rev Run's Words of Wisdom? Well something he says repeatedly that stuck with me, "Do your best and forget the rest." and also "Let go and let God." I'm not an overly religious person but the idea of what he's saying resonates with me especially under my current circumstances.... In my eyes these sayings are one in the same. Once you've done everything in your power you have to let go of the rest... it's out of your hands! 

I have to say it wasn't all overwhelming confidence though. I did wonder how I could have been so wrong. I thought I nailed it. I'm currently pursuing a BS in Management, I answered all the questions 'right', I had great questions prepared for the interviewerS, I was over-prepared for the interview, I smiled and shook hands, AND even sent my "Thank You" note!! How could I have been so confident about this interview and been so wrong? Whatever it is, it doesn't matter! I'm doing my best (so what if it takes all of my energy and motivation) to maintain a positive attitude and keep moving forward. 

In other news, my Best Friend is just a few weeks shy of her due date! I've spent some time recently picking up a few things for impending bundle of joy... I am excited for her (and me) to have her family grow! 

And yes, I know it's Wednesday and you're all desperate to know what I want... but I'm sorta just not in the mood today. Other than needing to get to the gym, I want for next Tuesday to arrive. "Why is that?" you ask. Well because Next Tuesday will be girls night (he-man-man-haters-club) at my house. NO BOYS ALLOWED! Next Tuesday also marks the DVD/BluRay release of:

Which obviously I WANT!

I Want it Wednesday...

I want....
someone to tell me why I can't manage to lose weight.
(along the same lines)
I want...
to be treated like weight loss matters when I go to the doctor.
(along the same lines)
I want...
everyone who is seen on base/post by any kind of medical professional to know that they don't give two shits about your weight loss issues and struggles; and you'll be treated like a sub-standard human being.


I want... 
tomorrow to be a better day.

Sad News

Yesterday evening my Grandfather passed away. 

=(

I'll be M.I.A for a few days. 

time to get on an airplane.