The Guilt and the Moving On

The Good-byes have started. Yesterday my dear, dear friends, Lauren and Erin hosted my "Bon Voyage" party. They're so great and I'm so blessed to have met them and to still call them great friends. They put together a very creative menu (and shin dig all around): Black Forest Ham, Kaiser Rolls, Strudel, Muenster cheese, Brats and German Chocolate Cake! Everything was delicious!

I thought this was such a great idea:

Address Book- For all attendees to write in so that I can keep in touch!

I was so excited to see everyone who showed up. I had some really good friends who said they were going to come but either blew me off or backed out at the last minute. It sucks when otherwise good friends disappoint you. I suppose it's just a fact of life.

The other part of all this leaving is that I'm seeing tears in other people's eyes, and I don't like it. I feel like I am the cause (source) of these people's sadness and I hate it! I've mentioned this every same thing to a few friends last night and they told me it's just because they love you so much! I know, it is and as I said in the beginning I'm grateful to have such great friends in my world who do care about me so much. But I like to think of my leaving as something I have to do for me and my future (and family), but thankfully (again) I have built such great relationships and have some really awesome people in my life that I will see them again. Right? I know sometimes people just say things like that and it doesn't happen (especially with us mil-folks) but I am not a person who will invest in other people that I don't care to ever see again. It's just not my style.

The guilt is just something I never saw coming. I knew it wouldn't be easy-breezy to leave, but I didn't expect guilt for goodness sake!

Goodbye v. See ya' round

So we're leaving right? I mentioned the other day that this stage of our PCS is rather pre-deployment-esque.  Now, before anyone goes and gets their panties all in a twist, I know that no one is going off to part-unknown filled with danger. However, there are major "Good-byes" in my future. So what I'm referring to with the pre-deployment reference is that, I know it's coming, I know it's not going to be fun but for goodness sakes I just want to get it over with already. It's time. Sometimes it's best to just tear the band aid off you know?
With all of that said I am spending ever minute I have with my nephews and my friends. I am going to miss so much with everyone I know (LB's prego once again and I'll miss baby showers and births and shopping sprees and name discussions. Nathan starts basketball after Christmas. Logan will be crawling and walking before we know it. Have I mentioned that I'll miss Christmas? haa). At the same time I am not the kind of gal to build these strong friendships, move away and just never speak to people again- it's not my style. IF I'm going to take the time to invest in you and in your life, and invite you into mine I expect and want you to stay in mine.
The sad part of this is that it seems some of my bestest of friends have already cut their losses and pretend I'm already gone and semi-unreachable It sucks when people you care so much for disappoint you. Yet, you cannot make anyone a priority who only makes you an option.
Some people don't really believe in "good-bye" its always this "I'll see ya later" nonsense. To me, it's what you say when you leave a friend's house, or hang up the phone. "Good-bye" is simply a fact of life. I think it hurts more depending on the circumstances but it's always there. On the other hand, I love the idea of this "I'll see ya later" business. I just kinda think it's a cop out... some kinda of coping mechanism. All I truly and honestly know is that whatever I say verbally, I'm going to quite possibly balling my eyes out (literally) but it'll definitely be happening on the inside.

Thoughts and Prayers Please

A friend of mine received bad news last night. Her husband currently deployed to Iraq fell out of a tower. He is on his way to Lundstuhl and then back (thank God) on US soil. She received word that his back is broken. I don't have any other details.

This is obviously a very serious injury and I'm asking for prayers and thoughts to go out to the Cox family.

Thanks.

In Memorial

Today I have all of our men in women in the military in my thoughts. 

Today I am grateful and humbled by their service. 

Forgive me but I'd like to discuss a few I am associated with. 

on August 21st, 2009 Sgt. Matthew Ingram died in Chapa Dara, Afghanistan, of wounds sustained when an improvised explosive device detonated near his vehicle and his unit came under small fire from enemy forces.

I was at Matt's wedding; he married a good friend of mine, Holly in the summer of 2006. 

I have lost touch with Holly. Today I found her on Facebook, and hope to reconnect. 

The local news did a story on Matt and interview Holly last August, which is how I learned of his death. 

My heart goes out to Holly and her (now, year old) daughter Chloe.

<source>

I have to also mention Mrs. Rachel Porto today. Visit her blog, here if you haven't already.

Johnny is in my thoughts today. As are you and Ariana. 

John William Finn

Medal of Honor earned by manning a machine gun from an exposed position throughout the attack, despite being repeatedly wounded. Through all of that he continued to serve in the Navy until the time of his retirement.

John Finn passed away at 100 years of age on 27 May 2010. 

He was the last Pearl Harbor Survivor. 

Take some time today to remember and appreciate the military who have given their lives for the freedoms we hold so dear. 

"Greater love hath no one than this, that he lay his life down for his friends." John 15:13

*sigh* today...

I notice my followers keep increasing. That's flattering, considering I feel as though I've been pretty sluggish with my blogging lately. I just have approximately 100 things going on and when I get five minutes to myself I really just want to sit and do something brain-less, like watch One Tree Hill or General Hospital (it's what I do). Sadly, with the state I have been in lately blogging just has not been the priority it once was. I think we all get that though right...?

All the same.Yesterday I hit the gym, which I was this ~> <~ close to not doing at all so it's a miracle I got off my ass and did it in the first place! =) Of course I felt better afterwards. Also, I complained a few posts ago about being broke, hot, and AC-less. WELLL... (laTEda) we are now proud owners of a Feature Comforts Evaporative Room Cooler! =) This is the cheapest (and I do mean cheapest) way to effectively "cool ones room." True to form I purchase this lil' beauty and our heat wave heads out. So it hasn't actually been that necessary the last two days (since it was purchased). I'm ok with this, thus far, but I am under the assumption that the heat will one day- eventually, return to Colorado Springs. Maybe I don't need it today (thank the Lord for ceiling fans) but I'm sure it will prove necessary; essential once more.

I've been updating everyone on the status of my sister's IVF lately. Well, yesterday they completed the "transfer". The doc implanted two of the BEST of the BEST embryos yesterday. Now my sister is on bed rest-ish for the next 5 days. This is to give the lil' embryos the best chance to "stick"... eeek! hopefully my sister doesn't freak because I said "stick" but I'll be damned if I don't know what the actually terminology is. I'll tell you one thing about this IVF (my sister, not me) is going through, I sure have learned more about my reproductive system than I ever felt necessary. Boy O' Boy!! So we'll find out July 11th (via an old fashioned blood test) if she's pregnant. Then it'll be a few weeks after that to find out how many babies/fetus' there are. YES- that's right I said "how many." IVF, evidently increases the chance of multiples exponentially. It's funny. We've been joking with Levi (my bro-in-law) about the fact that he got his wife 'knocked up' RIGHT before he deploys but didn't have ANY fun doing it! ha ahaaHA Well, that's the other news people, Levi took off this morning on his 4th (yes you read that correctly) FOURTH deployment.

Levi is the kind of guy who doesn't like to make a big show of things. He likes to down play just about everything. His step-mother is in town with her two kids to help Katie (while she's bed resting) for a few days. This is something completely new for him. Usually it's just been my family to see him off. So I think with his lil' sisters being around, Nathan being older (being able to grasp that he isn't there), and the IVF this departure is hitting him pretty hard. It's awful but this appears to only get more and more difficult ladies. It would stand to logic that it would get easier in some way, "been there done that" and all. Well I was wrong. My logic is horribly flawed. It gets worse. Thankfully (the light at the end of the tunnel), he will be home in January/February. Levi PCS'd to Ft. Carson last summer and was owed dwell time from his last tour/unit. So he didn't ship out with everyone else in February. Well this being their 4th, they are pros! They can 'do' 9 months on their heads with one hand behind their backs! Too easy. However, they will be standing up-right with all hands on deck. Too much happening right now and the next few months. Thankfully, this will help time FLY. I have found that setting goals (more or less) in time, that it seems to help the time go by faster. For instance: Mid-August Kevin will be home(wooop whoop). 29 September is Nathan's birthday. That will be here all too soon. October, Halloween. November, Thanksgiving and Dad's birthday. December, (the obvious) Christmas. January, New Years and possible Homecoming. See and JUST LIKE THAT he's home. I love this. This is what has help immensely over the course of my first deployment with Kevin. Something that I tried to get Katie to do throughout their deployments. It has helped me alot.

*~~~~~*

When I was 18, and graduating High School I was creating a scrapbook of that final year. The first page was "A Letter to Myself", dated 17 May 2003. Here is just a small portion of that:

"Then my sister who always invents new ways to impress me with her unwavering support, bravery, attitude, and independence. I've also gained a brother, who I can't say enough good things about. He's an amazing soldier, with whom I have the utmost respect for. You're in my thoughts and prayers!"

Funny how reflection can force you to truly take stock of your life, who's in it, who's stayed with you, and who you've gained. Also, how much truly stays the same. My sister is still all of those things and more. Just as is my brother. Still a brave and amazing soldier. I'll see you all too soon "Ugly"!

When it Rains it Pours

If any of you read my hubby's blog or my sister-in-law's for that matter you know that their Gramma has been doing so well. I also posted about this a while ago. Sadly, Kevin's Gramma passed away early this morning. My FIL called early this AM to let me know... I waited for Kevin to call an I broke the news to him- that was definitely not fun (to say the least). Then I had the pleasure of contacting the Red Cross.. actually they were easy enough to deal with. Unfortunately the hospital where Gramma is, was not as helpful. I did after multiple attempts get all the information that I needed. So there is a chance I'll get to see my honey very soon! I am excited and happy about that although I wish it was under better circumstances.

I am heartbroken that I cannot actually/physically be there for Kevin right now. Also, I can't help but feel guilty for having never met Kevin's Gramma. Don't we always think "we should have tried harder; done more." Well instead of wallowing in the regret, and heartache I feel I have been pretty busy today. Contacting the hospital, the Red Cross, talking with Kevin, trying to figure out what I need in order to get his Class A's squared away (rank, stripes, oiy) and keeping in touch with my laws. Yeah I've been keeping fairly busy. I'm also extra sleepy from being awake an hour earlier. I really think I'm an old lady. My body does not operate properly if I sleep too much or not enough it's really pretty crappy. I thought us twenty-sometimes were supposed to be able to adapt easily? Not this broad!!

I hope everyone is doing well today. Never put off to tomorrow what should be done today! Those of you who can, take time out to hold your loved ones close and appreciate your time with them. and if you're at all like me I think we should "woosah" and choose kindness an patience over allowing our frustrations to lead us to quick-angry responses... basically lets all hug our family and friends today and let them know how much they mean to us and let the small things go! =)

Permanent

I am usually not an American Idol fan... I think we can all agree there isn't too terribly many other options on Tuesday nights. So long story-short.. I watched it tonight. There were actually some very good performances... and some others, well NOT so much. All the same. Last year's winner, David Cook sang "Permanent". Well I was just about in tears! This was an amazing song... just great. Here is a link to listen for free (and who doesn't like free!??). I think this song was written for his bother (whom recently passed away after a battle with cancer- I believe but I am not very familiar so forgive me if my details are a little off). All the same it reminded me of Kevin! I remember siking myself up for days before his deployment, before he left. I remember telling myself I wouldn't cry. I had to be strong for him. I couldn't have him thinking I was falling to peices or wouldn't be able to keep it together, because that would make what he needed to do more difficult. Well needless to say there were tears. There were many tears. I think I've mentioned before how I am a person that likes (in a sick twisted kind of way) to run salt in my wounds... No people not in an intentional or literal sense... But in the way where I have to make an extremely emotional and difficult situation even worse in some way or another. For instance when Kevin left I felt that, that was something him and I (our family) had to do on our own. My Brother-in-law who has deployed himself multiple times really wanted to go and be there to see him off. He's never been apart of a day like that without being the one to walk away; he wanted to get a glimpse at the other side. Well, I just felt that it was something I had to do alone. Maybe not the best route and I left the (evil, devil, sadistic) Waller Gym and headed straight for my sisters- tears. More tears. You get the picture. Well this song reminded of me this day and the promise I made to myself that I wouldn't cry then, 2 Sept 2008. And also how difficult it is to reassure your deployed soldier that even with all of the distance between us that you aren't going anywhere. Even though things aren't easy, and when they get worse, or if we're arguing constantly, or when he's done something that warrants you being pissed off... even while dealing with lifes (and Army's) ups and downs that you are with them. You chose them. You aren't going anywhere. That you are "Permanent".

"Is this the moment where i look you in the eye?

Forgive my broken promise that you`ll never see me cry

And everything, it will surely change

even if i tell you i won`t go away today

Will you think that you`re all alone

When no one`s there to hold your hand?

And all you know seems so far away and

everything is temporary rest your head

I`m permanent"