Thursday, May 21, 2009


I am usually not an American Idol fan... I think we can all agree there isn't too terribly many other options on Tuesday nights. So long story-short.. I watched it tonight. There were actually some very good performances... and some others, well NOT so much. All the same. Last year's winner, David Cook sang "Permanent". Well I was just about in tears! This was an amazing song... just great. Here is a link to listen for free (and who doesn't like free!??). I think this song was written for his bother (whom recently passed away after a battle with cancer- I believe but I am not very familiar so forgive me if my details are a little off). All the same it reminded me of Kevin! I remember siking myself up for days before his deployment, before he left. I remember telling myself I wouldn't cry. I had to be strong for him. I couldn't have him thinking I was falling to peices or wouldn't be able to keep it together, because that would make what he needed to do more difficult. Well needless to say there were tears. There were many tears. I think I've mentioned before how I am a person that likes (in a sick twisted kind of way) to run salt in my wounds... No people not in an intentional or literal sense... But in the way where I have to make an extremely emotional and difficult situation even worse in some way or another. For instance when Kevin left I felt that, that was something him and I (our family) had to do on our own. My Brother-in-law who has deployed himself multiple times really wanted to go and be there to see him off. He's never been apart of a day like that without being the one to walk away; he wanted to get a glimpse at the other side. Well, I just felt that it was something I had to do alone. Maybe not the best route and I left the (evil, devil, sadistic) Waller Gym and headed straight for my sisters- tears. More tears. You get the picture. Well this song reminded of me this day and the promise I made to myself that I wouldn't cry then, 2 Sept 2008. And also how difficult it is to reassure your deployed soldier that even with all of the distance between us that you aren't going anywhere. Even though things aren't easy, and when they get worse, or if we're arguing constantly, or when he's done something that warrants you being pissed off... even while dealing with lifes (and Army's) ups and downs that you are with them. You chose them. You aren't going anywhere. That you are "Permanent".

"Is this the moment where i look you in the eye?
Forgive my broken promise that you`ll never see me cry
And everything, it will surely change
even if i tell you i won`t go away today
Will you think that you`re all alone
When no one`s there to hold your hand?
And all you know seems so far away and
everything is temporary rest your head
I`m permanent"


Crazy Shenanigans said...

I seriously think every female cried tonight, while watching this show. Having someone deployed makes it wayyyy too easy to start crying

Paula said...

Honey, I think tears are good and we can't always control them. Yesterday as I was in Vons buying some birthday and Fathers Day cards, when I was picking one out for my Dad, as I read different ones I had a lump in my throat and tears running down my cheeks. One never knows what is going to cause a tearful reaction. I think it depends on what is going on in our life and what is most tender to us. With Kevin's chosen career, I always have a tender reaction whenever I see a military person and I am in such awe and respect for them. So keep the tears flowing!
Love you

Rosas Clan in Tulum said...

Okay... but momma- we all know that you do tend to cry at everything. While crying over Kev makes sense--- I have seen you cry at a box of cereal- JK love you momma.

Sam- There are so many times that I have felt that I needed to "do it on my own" but I have realized in this past year how many people are in a very similar situation and really can help me through so many of these times.

Related to that... I forgot that us leaving the USA was not only happening to us. It was happening to my mom, my family, Ruben's family and all our friends. What I mean is - Our Kevin is over there too. My mothers son, my brother, the kid's uncle. You are not alone in this experience even within the family. You can always rely on us for support.

Lauren B. said...

I'm such a crier too!!! This is a sweet song, thanks for sharing!

Nikki said...

Yes this song got to me as well. First off because of the loss of his brother and the pain he must of been feeling. And second it made me think of all of us who have loved ones who we have to say good bye to as they leave to defend us. What a beautiful and touching song. I don't think I will ever be able to listen to it without getting emotional.

I don't like to let him see me cry. I don't want him for a second to think I can't handle any of this or that I am too weak. But he gets made at me when I don't let it out. He tells me I am not a robot and I am allowed to feel. Even though he hates to see me cry he says to let myself go through the emotions because they will make me stronger.

Mrs. G.I Joe said...

I think you are the second post I've read today about that song! It must have been something else!

Mrs. G.I Joe said...

Yup, your right...I had accidently deleted some of the HTML coding for my new blog while trying to delete some of my widgets...In my "I wouldn't change a thing" blog I wrote about my new layout and felt weird leaving it there while my layout didn't look finished:p So I pulled it into a draft until Addison could fix my bumble:p However, its fixed now!

Megan said...

Wow what a great song. I didn't see the finale but I looked up the lyrics because of what you posted. :) Now I'm gonna go download it.