Monday, July 13, 2009

Don't Judge Me

I love when people judge me. Guess what? I wasn't put on this planet for you to question and judge what I do or don't do to your standards. Especially when you haven't been where I am and you make no effort to support me. Nevermind calling to check on me or hear my side. It really chaps my ass when people pass judgement on me for any reason.

So here's the deal: We are 10 months and 10 days into a deployment. A deployment that has been anything less than customary... in terms of what a "standard" deployment usually is. I have eluded to some of the issues that Kevin and I have experienced throughout the course our time apart but I haven't spelled out the details because, just as I wasn't placed on this planet for others to judge, I also wasn't placed here to hurt my hubby. But thankfully I think that we have recently turned a corner and the remainder (approx 35-39 days) of the deployment will be much smoother sailing.

Our main issue has been my independence and the expectations I've had of what our deployment should have been. I am not a person who needs a lot of reassurance to know that things are ok. Kevin is not the same way as me in this aspect. In plain English: he's called me a lot. At times it has been out of hand. When Kevin left I wanted to hear from him all the time to know that he was ok. Once we got into the groove of what this deployment was going to be like things shifted. Kevin wasn't constantly out on missions or in highly dangerous regions. Because there weren't many missions being conducted there wasn't a lot of work for Kevin and his fellow mechanics to be doing... repairs weren't required as often as you would think when vehicles weren't being used for constant missions. Which created a lot of free time for my husband. The phone calls came more and more often. At first this didn't bother me. Then Kevin got internet in his "room" so we were constantly chatting online and over webcam. Out of my own sense of obligation and support for Kevin I felt like I had to sit there all day infront of the cam and provide him the reassurance that he required. This became a chore. This is no way to live. Yes, our husband's leave and unfortunately they aren't just gone for a long weekend or a cozy vacation somewhere both warm and comfortable. No- conversely they are in the scorching heat, on cots, carrying more weight on their backs (figuratively and literally) than I could personally handle, without any creature comforts of home and all the while yearning for the some ounce of normalcy from home. While on the home front, life MUST go on. That doesn't happen when you're sitting on the couch all day, constantly being questioned about "where'd you go"... well you see what had happened was.. "I went to pee" "I had to let the dog out" "I needed a drink". Let me just say before you assume that my husband is some controlling bastard he was purely curious. Well all of this snowballed into serious frustration, resentment and attitude on my part. Also and Kevin has admitted that his calls and time spent on the internet had gotten a little over the top. After arguments and beating myself up over (actually) NOT wanting my husband to call me so much... I finally spit it out "I need you to back off. No one is good to anyone else, unless they are taking care of themselves first and I haven't been able to do that.. I need you to not call me so often anymore." YES- I did actually say this out loud to my husband. Because guess what? He's not the only one going through and emotionally dealing with a deployment right now. It directly effects the way I lead my day to day life... and leading this life is exponentially more difficult to get through when answering the phone is no longer exciting, but now a hassle and a chore. Honestly, it got to the point where I felt I couldn't leave the house so that I could be available for his (constant) calls.

So let me add this up for everyone: Kevin=slightly needy(I love you babe) and calling constantly! Sam=extremely independent; not needy; with expectations of rarely hearing from my husband and thus completely blindsided by all of the opportunity. KEVIN+SAM=BAD BUSINESS under these circumstances. As I said, though, we have turned a corner and are facing only better days.

I still do not appreciate those who have not been in my shoes and who cannot fathom what I've been through judging my choice to ask that my husband not call me as much as he had; to dial it back from "needy little bitch" (loving term between the two of us, ha haaha) to something more manageable which would still allow for me to maintain some sense of normalcy. To those who currently pass judgement: You don't know me. You don't have the faintest clue what I've been through. So I'd prefer you shut your mouth, at least until you've been where I am or have at the very least heard me out and attempted to understand. Shame on you, for denying me any say in what works for my marriage under unimaginable circumstances. May I also add, bite me. (:
Please check out Deployment Woes. I just found this Marine wife's blog and absolutely love it. She actually inspired me to write this post and showed me that my feelings aren't wrong and while we may be on slightly different pages and in different stages of our own deployments portions of this post were RIGHT ON. I felt like she was writing on my behalf instead of her own experiences. Odd. All the same, please go check her out.


Crazy Shenanigans said...

I hate when others judge on a situation they are not in. I'm sorry someone did that to you. Hope it works out.

Rosas Clan in Tulum said...

The first thing to remember about the blog is that the (at least for me) it is not a place to just post pics of our lives in Mexico and here is what we are doing. But more so and especially in the beginning... this was a place for me to express my feelings- the ugly ones- all of the them. That is what i needed and wanted... and you are in a group of people that can understand you. I get that. It is the same with me. No one could possibly understand unless they have been through it. But here you have a group of people going through something similar.

Lauren B. said...

no one has the right to judge you, espically when it comes to YOUR marriage. i hate it when people don't know how to mind their own business!

Erin said...

Thanks for the advertisement. I love that you love my blog! Also, It's not weird to not want you husband to call all the time. You need to have a normal life and you need to live it. My husband and I had a similar issue. Things for us have also worked out, but it's normal to need to live life. We have to survive deployments some way or another and we can't do that if we are always sitting at home waiting for our husbands to call. We need to go out and live life and keep busy. You need to do what you need to do to survive this stressful situation. If that means going out and not worrying about your husband calling, then do it. He can call again later (especially if he has all that free time). Live your life, survive the deployment, and deal with the rest when he comes home.