Sick and Alone... sucks!

Yesterday was miserable. I had the worst tummy ache ever and of course I had no one to take care of me. I don't know about all of you but I'm the biggest baby when it comes to being sick, I like to be taken care; bring me juice, soup, meds anything I may need and let me lay there resting and getting better! Well, as you can imagine that didn't really work out for me yesterday. I had to get up for the 2 1/2 slices of bread I ate all day, the few glasses of water I drank, to feed and let the beast outside... I had to do it all! Yes, this is me wining... but I'm about done with that because today I am feeling better! :) woo hoo!
Other than feeling like crapola yesterday I wound up not getting a call for the job in Aurora so all the stress was over nothing! I keep telling myself that is for the best, it would have been a hike everyday.

Soldier Update

I promised soldier updates... and here's the first on my blog. We are rapidly approaching the half-way mark of this deployment (March 2), and up till a few days ago I had not been truly rattled by Kevin's service. Thanks to the miracle of the internet and webcam Kevin and I talk online everyday and are able to see each other as well. Mostly it’s been great to see Kevin, but it’s also shown me some things I haven’t seen before. Over the last two days I saw and heard a few things that shook me to my core. The first was fear in my husband's eyes. I won't go into the details, they aren't necessary... spelling them out would only hurt and inspire fear in others- this is not a goal of my blog. Seeing this was not something I was prepared to respond to. I pride myself on being a source of strength, and calmness for Kevin... but I had no words and I fear I was of little help! All that I could really manage to get out was "I love you and I'm proud of you." Kevin had guard today and we were chatting online while he was getting ready for it so I watching him stand up put on his blouse, throw on his vest, and kevlar. He was all dressed up (unfortunately) with somewhere to go. I've seen him all 'geared' up in the living room when we strapped all the crapola onto his vest, but in that setting at this time it was... overwhelming. It's hard to really put into words how these events have affected me and Kevin. More than anything I know I am so proud of him, today more than ever. I was talking to a friend about these things and they immediately assumed that I was scared for his safety and return. Honestly, fear that he won't return safe and sound is not an emotion that enters into my thought process. I dismiss that idea out of hand. I fully trust in his abilities, his training, and in his own motivation to return home, as well as in the soldiers around him.

I know that Kevin reads my blog everyday and he may be disheartened to read the above... Babe, I want you to know that you can always talk to me and I am here for you in any way that I can help you through this time. You have to know that some of the realities and visuals that I now possess would not be easy to swallow. While they may not be easy to hear or to see it's nothing that I cannot handle. So you lean as much as you need. I love you, you are not alone and I'm always here for you!

Sleepy...

Hello there.. I know it's been a week since my last post which is ok I suppose, no need to ramble on about the mundane. So here is an update on the happenings of my life the past week! The beginning of last week was rather uneventful; hence the lack of posts. But (thankfully) some exciting things did finally take place.

Well, Brody and I went to meet with a local (phew..) dog trainer, Bob. Bob is one of these people who are obviously better with animals than people. He did not communicate very well, he tends to ramble and while I was listening and paying very close attention to see what I could learn, I found myself still very confused whenever he would stop speaking to ask me a question! Many times I had to say "Umm, I don't understand what you are asking me." Of course, Bob was very confused (which was obvious by his facial expressions) as to why I wasn't following him and couldn't simply and concisely respond to his question. Either way, we made it through the free evaluation where all I learned was that Brody is "disrespectful," "hyper," and on a scale of A (for "alpha") B, C, D, and E Brody is a "C+" leaning toward a "B". This is sort of bad because these types of pets tend to be more aggressive. While Brody doesn't have any tendencies toward physical aggression he is very pushy when he wants something, be it attention, play, food, a ball, or for me to just get up and chase him. So, after learning all of this about Brody (which I more or less already knew, Bob just uses different adjectives to describe dogs) we signed up for 5 training sessions. The first of which took place yesterday. Woo hoo, right?! WRONG! There was so much to take in: When do I use "stop" versus "off" versus "leave it", containing Brody with the other dogs around... Also Brody is a HUGE drool machine so rewarding him with treats leads to a bath for my hand (this is gross..) it was overwhelming. Oh- have I mentioned holding the leash for an hour straight tore my hands up? I was sore after doggie school! Sadly we were kept after school on the first day by the teacher, Bob! Oh... I love Bob, because we took the extra time and stayed after to hear what he had to say and for the life of me all that I heard is "hold the leash with two hands." I am not sure why it took him 20+ minutes to convey that so I'm thinking I missed some other message in his garbled ADHD rant. Well, I guess we'll find out next Saturday.

On to the next: I have a tentative job interview lined up for tomorrow afternoon. I am sort of struggling with this job. On one hand, the economy is so poor right now and honestly, I haven't had any other legitimate interested in my resume so I should jump at this opportunity. On the other hand the position is as an office manager in Aurora. :( For those of you who don't know that is South Denver, approximately an hour and a half commute (both ways). So at first I thought to myself I have to deal with the commute until I find something closer to home because there aren't many other opportunities right now, and well I'm not the only individual who commutes from Colorado Springs to Denver for work every day so if the money is worth my wild than I'm taking it and dealing with the consequences. Well, now I'm having second thoughts... It's so far away and while Kevin's gone it's almost no big deal but someone has to feed the dog, and walk him, and what if I have a doctor's appointment I might as well take the entire day off. I'm thinking my boss would grow tired of that sooner or later. Oh, and what about the weather it is Colorado after all snow will happen eventually and is it worth it to risk my life on Monument Hill? So you put all of these pieces together I'm not sure what to do... What I've decided is to go and talk with the bossman tomorrow see what the money is like, because after all they may not even offer me the position which makes all the stress of "Should I or Shouldn't I" really kind of pointless at this point in time... right? Any thoughts?

Other than those things... I'm exhausted. Last night I went out with Nikki for her "going away party". She's deploying to Iraq in about two weeks so some people she works with and some friends got together to spend time with her. It was nice to socialize with more than two people at a time that were also not family members. It was sort of an older crowd so it wasn't a rowdy party or anything like that... but all the same there were good Fajitas and cold drinks! :) What else can a girl ask for?

Turn of Events

I previously reported that our Puppy, Brody was supposed to go to prison for training... Well I couldn't go through with that. Those of you who have met and spent any more than 30 seconds with our beast are probably asking yourself "Well, why the hell not?” Well, I'll be the first to tell you that he is out of control. He is ridiculously hyper, and has a serious "jumping" issue. But even after all of that and knowing what a blessing it would have turned out to be to send him to Prison, it wasn't worth being alone. You see Kevin and Brody are my family now. With Kevin being deployed I just couldn't bear to send Brody away too. As much as he works my nerves and really does need the training he's all the company I have at home. He's there every morning and he needs me to get out of bed and feed him, and play with him, give him my attention and love, let him out so that he can go potty... he needs me. And I need to be needed. It is the best distraction I've found for being without my hubby. So, Wednesday (the day before Brody was due to go to prison) it hit me like a ton of bricks. Every time I would look at Brody I would want to cry or puke. Not to mention the fact that I haven't really slept in over 4 days, and couldn't fall asleep until after 1AM. So about midnight I made the command decision that I wasn't going to take Brody to the Prison. I figured if I was having that hard of a time with it I needed to listen to what my body was trying to tell me and not go through with it. But I struggled with that for a while, because I had promised Kevin that we would get Brody taken care of while he was gone. I knew it was something that he was really wanting accomplished while he was gone, so I felt bad that I was making a decision without speaking with him. So, true to form I fall asleep about 120 (or so) and Kevin calls me about 230 AM... he tends to have bad timing when it comes to things like that. Well I love him all the same. He was great and completely backed me up. We did agree to look into options that are not so far away from home, and I agreed to start walking our beast everyday- he has to get the whole "leash" thing sooner or later right? Well, that's what I'm hoping!

Well, the lack of sleep the last week or so is really troubling... not sure why it's happening now or where it's coming from. What I do know, is I'm sick and tired of it! :) Speaking of tired, that isn't the problem- I'm plenty sleepy... the actual sleeping part is proving to be quite difficult. Not sure I understand that combo, but in the mean time Tylenol PM is my B.F.F. and we're getting along quite well!

Wondering Ramblings

So I had a bad day... not feeling like I want to talk to anyone, be around anyone, easily irritated and frustrated. Put all that in a p0t and mix it up, and what do you get? A recipe for disaster... so what did I do with my glorious attitude (for the day)? Accomplished a few things in the house, made phone calls, and ran exactly 3 errands and came straight home and canceled my plans for the evening. I didn't think it would be wise to socialize while in such a foul mood. It's unfortunate, but we all have our moods and ups and downs, right?

I'm sitting here blogging away, and flip to the news. Who do I see? Our President, Barack Obama. He's discussed many topics: The stimulus plan, the absolute lack of Republican vote in the Senate, flag draped caskets returning to the US, Iraq, and Afghanistan amongst others. First, I feel very refreshed that I can sit through an entire Presidential news conference... It's kind of nice. I just couldn't bear to sit through Bush's news conferences/State of the Union's- lies upon lies, upon lies... I was unaware there was an actual process generated and passed down from the Pentagon that the flag draped caskets of our fallen heroes were not to be photographed or video recorded and broadcast. From what I’ve read since hearing this, the consensus is that this was put into place so that the American people would not fully realize the human sacrifice of war if they didn't see it. Somehow this idea is ridiculous to me... but the "human sacrifice" of war is in the forefront of my life- I suppose to some it, isn’t so obvious because they are unattached. Furthermore, I'm not sure it's respectable to photograph death in order to prove a point to people who simply don't understand that war costs lives- real lives, husbands, wives, sons, brothers, daughters and cousins. If it were my soldier in the casket, part of me wouldn't want those photos broadcasted on TV to prove a point... but then on the other hand if people could be respectful and compassionate it's almost ok if they feel and appreciate the loss. That was definitely contradictory, but there are always two sides to every coin. However, my first instinct would be no pictures.

Well, at this point I wish I had a glass of wine, a movie, and my hubby to cuddle up with on the couch. That isn't going to happen for a few months so, I'll settle for a cold bed, and a stuffed dog.

Distance

So, deployments suck... I guess that is probably more than obvious to the majority of you out there. But today is extra-sucky. My husband is hurting and I can't be with him. I hate that I can't be 'there' for him when he needs me, and selfishly (of course) I hate that he isn't here when I need him. These are the facts, the real world side-effects of the faceless troops off in a far off land policing the world. I know that a lot of people out there aren't connected, don't love a soldier who's been ordered to leave them behind to fight these wars... so it is often times difficult for them to understand what really happens... the sleepless nights, constant fears and thoughts of them leaving your life for good, wondering where they are, what they're doing, and when you'll hear from them again. Well I'm here to tell you it's real and it sucks! My other Army Wives can back me up.

There is a world separating Kevin and I, which will always create physical distance. Today I want my husband to know that if I could be there to hold your hand or give you a hug and reminisce on the good times with your Grandmother than I would do all of it and more. However, since that is impossible I will now as always be there for you emotionally as much and as often as you need.

I guess my final point on Distance is that it’s a lot like age- it’s nothing but a number. It only matters as much as you let it. If you want to dwell on it constantly and count the miles and inches between than it will overcome your days and nights. Put less emphasis on it, and it will matter less…

Nathan James

I want the world to meet one of the most important people in my life! Our Nephew, Nathan. He's a 2-year-old trapped in a 4-year-old's body, and pushing 15 in terms of his attitude. He's so smart and he's the first boy in our family for quite some time. Well my mother is 1 of 3, as is my Grandmother. So it was high time for some testosterone. Needless to say we were elated to welcome him into our family.
Well, Levi is also in the Army. He is a mechanic like Kevin but on different types of vehicles. So that brings the men in our lives together. Kevin and Levi get along great so that makes it ironic that they deploy on rotating years; Kevin is gone now, Levi is home. This is also a blessing so that if I should need anything Levi is always there and vice versa.

Today I got a chance to bond with Nathan while Katie and Levi went to a medical appointment. We went and played at two different parks in the neighborhood. Nathan loved the slides, was not so fond of the swinging and bumped into a bossy little girl- as many little girls are. Bossy little girls don't phase him. He is his father through-and-through- calm, even tempered, and laid back. He gets frustrated with us adults because he "can't have," or "can't do," but I haven't seem him get frustrated or lose his temper with any other kid. That is a great quality to have. I am envious. He very much takes life in stride which is great and will come in handy when his daddy leaves for deployment. He's a great army brat.

All kids are blessings, and all are equally special and amazing! Right now Nathan is closest in proximity and the child we spend the most time with.

BRODY

So I wanted to introduce the world to our BEAST. This is Brody as a puppy, he was so cute and cuddly when we first got him. He was much easier to manage at this age.

Well, now he's 1 year, 4 months, and 95 lbs, and on the "juice" as Nikki (our Neighbor) says. Now I'm sure everyone knows how Retrievers, and Labs can be... and that they stay that way for 2-3 years. Well, at 95 lbs, he is in desperate need of training. So Brody will be leaving me for 4 weeks. He is going to a Prison where they will teach him basic manners, walking on a leash, and some other cool things. I think this is an awesome program for both the animals and the inmates. I have known people who have sent their dogs to this program and I am excited to say they come back VERY squared away. :) So I'll be lonely with you, Brody. But I know it's worth it.

Well, Hello There

So here goes my first ever blog. I am very excited and happy that my sister-in-law turned me onto "blogging". Her blogs are to the right, I highly recommend her "Cooking 1-handed" blog. She has some amazing recipes on there. Well as I am sure you can figure out I'm married to a soldier, whom I love very much. It's crazy how you find a partner in a person you never even imagined. I wasn't looking for a husband when I met Kevin, but a husband was exactly what I found. He loves me more than I thought possible and honestly more than I deserve most days. Now, I'm sure you're thinking "oh, lord! Please tell me she isn't going to babble non-stop about how perfect the hubby is....blahblahblah." Well rest easy, that isn't the purpose of my blog. But as of now our family consists of the two of us so I don't have much else to gush about, but I promise you here and now I will not make a habit of "gushing". But coming back to the theme of my blog, the love we share is important- no strike that, NECESSARY for the survival of our marriage. A marriage that is lived at least 2 years at a time, a year together, a year suffering through a deployment, then the cycle repeats. This is the nature of the "beast". This beast being of course the Army. This is my life. I married a soldier, a career soldier. I chose to be where I am. Standing strong and proud, next to, behind, and always faithful to my soldier....