Monday, May 23, 2011

A whole lada nada...

Once upon a time I used to blog quiet a bit. These days I'm lucky if I post once a week... you're missing me aren't you?

Sadly, I haven't had anything nice to say. I'm stressed with this crap-tastic job I find myself in and the future. I'm stressed from being in Colorado, sans husband. I generally feel detached from my life. I feel detached from my role as a spouse, the Army, and our plans for the future. Please do not misunderstand, I'm not announcing a divorce... I'm not admitting to doing bad things in the absence of my husband... What my point is, is that I don't find being away from my home and my things and obligations to be a positive thing at this specific moment. Long story, short: Running home during deployment (although, never my goal but where I wound up) is not a good thing. I find it to be counter-productive. Being here and this feeling of detachment is creating emotional distance between Kevin and I. I couldn't quite put my finger on the problem the last few weeks but there it is.

I feel like it's my fault. So then I beat myself up over it... you know, because that's so productive. Well, I'm working on it. Trying to turn a corner.

I was hoping that some alone time on R&R would help... doesn't look like there'll be a whole lot of that. :( boo. We'll work something out though. I'm sure of it.

What do you do when you start to feel the distance of a deployment??


Lou said...

well girl i hope things start looking better. I so didnt know you were in colorado? I am also!!

Mrs. B said...

I'm sorry that things aren't going great for you.

Anonymous said...

Before my husband deployed, I swore I wouldn't go home for deployment. I invested in friendships, became a volunteer, even got a "little" (Big Brothers/Big Sisters). However, I am feeling just the opposite that you are- I think things would have been better if I had come home.

What I mean to say is that we don't know until we know. I still think that most "going home" spouses end up disliking it for many reasons. I know of one spouse who is in one bedroom with her 5-year-old and baby, at her overbearing mother's house. How she ever thought that was a good idea, I'll never know. But every situation is different and in hindsight, I should have at least considered staying home. At least for a little while.

I hope you figure it out soon. It's really important to keep yourself happy, but you know that. Again, good luck.

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

Hang in there girl! I hope you get some alone time for R&R! I miss your blogging!

SR2 RS Paula Rockwood said...

Honey, I can't say that I know how you are feeling cuz I don't. It sounds like there are alot of loose ends flying around. my heart goes out to you while you are going thru yet another deployment. Long distance and seperation is so hard on people who love each other. Have you given some thought of returning to Germany and doing some traveling with some other army wives? I don't know the answers, but I do know you and Kev are in my prayers everyday and I am so very proud of both of you.

KelleeLyn said...

I moved in with my parents for 10 months of the 12 of our deployment last year and at times I had the same exact feeling you do. Mostly because I moved out of my home state (they were living somewhere else at the time, long story), away from all my friends and away from anything military. I felt so dis-connected from the community of the Army.
That being said, try to think of all the good reasons that you're back home (you mentioned being able to save a lot of $$, right?)

If you ever wanna meet up for coffee or a walk around one of the parks here I'm down :) My puppy's lil squishy face can cheer ANYONE up, promise! :)